Larry David is a wise man who, on Friday, stopped by The Late Late Show with James Corden to share life advice on marriage anniversaries, going bald, and going on dates.

First up was a fella by the name of Jared who is a little under a month shy of his 2-year marriage anniversary.

    “So for our first anniversary I kinda went all out and got a really
     nice gift. Now I worry that I have set the bar too high. So I’m
     wondering do I have to go as big on this one coming up?” is the
     life advice Jared asked Larry David.

    “Jared, you might have to go to Jared,” was Larry David’s
     response.

Jared gave one of those “uh-oh” looks because he knows that he doesn’t have the money to go to Jared. Tacos Tuesdays, Jared can do. But Jared, nuh-uh.

Seeing that beads of sweat were forming on the young man’s forehead, Larry David gave the young fella some advice to calm his nerves.

Larry David told the young fella to just tell his lady love that they could just be with each other and not get one another anything:  “You know what, why don’t we just go out to dinner? You don’t need to get me a present and you don’t want anything, right?” And if you’re thinking that life advice lasted a supersonic second, then you’re right.

Seeing that the words coming out of his mouth were a mix and not a match to reality, Larry David let Jared know that if he wants to make it to a 3-year anniversary with his lady love then he better go 2-year anniversary ring shopping. “You’re going to be in the jewelry store, yeah,” said Larry David.

A fella who will not be in the jewelry store is Ian Carmel. Ian, unlike Jared, has a problem that a wig can fix. Ian Carmel is in the early phases of losing his hair which, according to him, is retreating from his scalp so fast to the point that it is “terrifying.”

Anybody who knows Larry David knows that he is a “proud member of the bald community” who takes all baldness seriously. So whenever he hears such words as “terrifying” used to describe someone’s soon-to-be entry into the bald community, Larry David gets “prettay, prettay, prettay” upset.

    “I’m never coming here again. This is a sick operation you got
     going here. I dare you. I dare you. Yeah, I got some advice. You
     got to own it,” said Larry David.

Here, Larry David is saying that Ian Carmel just needs to be honest. Don’t hide the baldness, accept it, be truthful about the bald; especially if you plan on meeting a woman. “Don’t meet a women with a hat on when you go bald because at some point you’re going to have to take that hat off,” said Larry David. And most importantly, “no comb overs” because that is doing the same thing as the cap which is lying about oneself.

If a person is willing to tell one little lie about the amount of hair on his or her head, then he or she is willing to lie about big things like whether he or she has a job. So, be honest because the one thing nobody wants to deal with is a bald face liar for the rest of his or her life.

Having said that, there are some things, like how you eat, that you need to keep secret until after 10 years into the marriage. Case in point, the house band’s bass guitar player Hagar. Hagar told Larry David about this fella she’s dating who eats with his mouth open.

Hagar recognizes that it is “disgusting” but, as she says, the fella is “super cool” so she doesn’t want to give him the boot just yet.

    “One wonders how you got to the second date…You say ‘super
     cool.’ I don’t see super cool coming from this guy chewing with his
     mouth open…You’re with this open mouth chewer for a couple of
     months. You got nothing else going on,” said Larry David.

It sounds a little harsh, but…it’s true. A person who will eat with his or her mouth open will leave the bathroom door open while pee-peeing or taking several number twos.  And if you’re with somebody who is that nasty, then, well, it’s as Larry David told Hagar, “you’re desperate.” The only solution, assuming you’re going to stay, is to just join them. “Maybe you might want to do the same thing that he is doing…How about that?!” said Larry David.

Yeah, “How about that?!”